The Cake Is A Lie

While playing the world's first FPS (First Person Shooter to you noobs)/Puzzle/Comedy I realized the cake was a lie. Maybe it was the hand writing scribbled on the wall, a secret communication from an unbalanced employee at Aperture Science Institute, or the passive/aggressive kindly, malevolent female voice (think a cross between Cher and Steven Hawking) of the AI directing me through each room. Image Hal 9000 guiding you through Tetris while trying to replace Discovery's not-so broken antennae, acutely aware that Frank Poole is probably dead and he's not getting any cake either.

I am of course talking about the game Portal, one of five (5) games included with The Orange Box. A shining star too short to be by itself (between 2 to 3 hours), but fits perfectly next to big brother Half-Life 2 (and it's sequels). I will not spoil anything (except the cake rumor) but the end "boss fight" is actually fun and filled with much malevolent humor. Once done, the end credit theme is the best end theme I can think of, ever, and it is done with ASCII art (circa 1980). I also completed Half-Life 2 and its sequel, "Episode 1." Now on to Episode 2 and more achievements.

MicroSoft has general guidelines about each retail game that comes out for Xbox 360, which goes something like this: (see http://xbox360achievements.org/index.php for more information) there should be no more than fifty (50) achievements per title, and developers must have 1,000 unlockable points for their Gamerscore (GS). If there are less than 1,000 points, said developers must make a download from XBL free making up the difference. Early on in this wasn't the case with release titles, but the rule holds strong now. The exception to the rule is The Orange Box, which is five games in one, so MicroSoft let Valve have 99 Achievements totaling 1,000 points. I've unlocked 47 Achievements and still have less than 400 points. Never have so many achievements been unlocked by so much play for so few points. (sorry Mr. Churchill). I was still able to cross the 12,000 GS threshold this weekend which makes me happy enough for cake.

I just saw a commercial for Guitar Hero III, which still seems like coordinated air-guitar with a prop, where the "air-guitarist" punk teen played so well that Slash (from G&R, duh) unzips the skin of said teen from inside out and keeps playing guitar. It was at once cool that Slash promotes the game (which probably doesn't need him) and sad that he needs the extra money, apparently. I guess he's in the game, but so is Eddie Vedder and he looks like a Super-Deformed Muppet, in previews I've seen, and he ain't doin' commercials. I've probably completely missed the point here so I'll just need to play it, since my buddy EmpTas (you know who you are) loves the second one.

This weekend I added Ace Combat 6 and Lost Planet, an older title, to my collection. It's a good thing I don't officially review games for anyone right now 'cause I'd be so far behind. I always get hung up on a title squeezing all the achievements I can out of it. And I want to play Front Mission for Nintendo DS (which I also bought), a Square Enix (formerly Square Soft, my favorite game developer) to see if it compares to Front Mission 3 for the PSX. Front Mission 3 was the first game in the Front Mission franchise to reach America from Japan. A turn-based giant robot tactical combat game, all battles take place on a grid with different elevations and you move your mecha around trying to out maneuver the "bad guys." A key moment in FM3 decides whose side your on, so you can play through and be either of the two (2) factions available. Very clever (and confusing because the second time through the "enemy" is now on your side) and included a fairly deep Internet simulation. You could go online in the game to an internal Internet Square Soft made and learn background details about the game, flesh out the history of the future, and hack different sites to gain special information and special parts for your mecha. I don't expect the DS version to be all that, but I'm looking forward to a little mech-on-mech action.

One of the science channels was showing a tornado special with "Storm Chasers" (those guys/gals rock), but there really wasn't anything during the show I didn't already learn from the movie Twister. A Michael Crichton (see http://www.crichton-official.com/) written/Spielberg produced action flick about a couple getting a divorce on the worst tornado day in Oklahoma. That's a lie, it's about a group of kick-ass "Storm Chasers" who hunt down every tornado in site and barely manage to survive each encounter. There's this love story thing but it's not important (of course it is, I'm being facetious). The main characters are all meteorology geeks that would do anything for their not so geek appearing leader, Bill "Game Over Man" Paxton. I must have seen this movie 20 or 30 times and this is the first time I noticed Dusty wears a Daredevil baseball cap, well before Ben Affleck tried to ruin the "double D". I probably can't totally blame Affleck, since I watched the director's cut and I liked it. Ben Affleck should just stick with Kevin Smith and leave it at that. This is a great movie showing how functional a gaggle of geeks doing their thing is. Each Storm Chaser is shown his own geeky obsession, including a brief Star Wars reference, but I think Dusty is more an adrenaline junky than anything. Of note is Captain Harriman of Enterprise-B plays Rabbit, the navigational geek, a role I enjoy on vacation.

I've never really been a fan of the collectible figure games like Mage Knight or even D&D, probably only because I don't know anyone who plays (okay, I own some Mage Knight). I did get into the Star Wars Starship game (I love Star Wars and all their little ships) and found the game decent, but figures take up way more space than card games or comic books. It's a pitiful complaint but I have to draw the line somewhere. Star Wars is a special case since I will collect almost anything Star Wars. Against my better judgment (what little I have) I bought a pack of the Pokemon and a pack of Halo figures. Pokemon looks f-ing confusing but Halo looks decent. I think I should develop a mix where Ash & Pikachu can face off against Master Chief and Grunties. "Cortana, I choose you." A Flood-infected Pikachu would make an awesome figure.

I've rattled on enough tonight. Nothing much on the Star Trek front except looking forward to "The Menagerie" in theaters, and the 2nd Star Trek manga is out. In high-school I used to wonder what Trek would look like if done by Japanese artists and I finally have my answer. Now lets see if they do an Anime version of Star Trek. I'll have to wait another decade or so. In the future I will start reviewing anime since I'm a huge Otaku (uhh, fanboy). Keep your wireless charged and see you next broadcast.